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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Children: The Key Victims of Separations and Divorces!

By Mian Usman • Apr 15th, 2010

Many of us out of anger, continued stress, peer pressure, lack of trust, lack of job stability, mis-understandings and mis-communication often chose to often decide to part our ways from our life partners temporarily or on permanent basis (husband & wife) and either choose to live alone or get married again.

The solution to one problem can not be solved by creating an other one. Married people especially having kids should think 100 times before making their minds to decide on leaving their life partner. The way a mother and father together jointly look after the kids, no person or no arrangement can be a substitute to that. The suffering party would always be the kids as they go in to a deep emotional distress in an early age of life where they should have been busy in making fun and enjoying the worry free life, an un due aggression is developed in them against the world and they don't trust any body and can not enjoy a good marital relation in the later stages of life.

The ego of the kids is severely hurt as most of the times in case mother gets separation, they have to rely on the help of mother's immediate family members for their education and shelter. I have seen few of the brave moms fighting for their kids future by doing jobs and managing their expenses very well for kids. For kids left with father after separation/divorce the life is a big nightmare as father often get re-married and tends to ignore kids cause they becoming busy in making money for kids future and step mothers follow suit.

The sufferings of these kids are only due to the fact that their parents could not get along with each other for so many of the reasons but at the end of the day its not the fault of these kids. Marriage is a a major decision and a sacred relation, it should be respected by both parties: the husband and his family and the wife and her family. In our part of the world the broken homes have got very complex and complicated back ground to divorces and separations. Some times the joint family system comes in to play and people around husband and wife create a distance of mistrust and confusion to fulfill their own motives and vested interests. Especially in case of love marriages it happens a lot as both family do not accept that bond in their hearts and try their best to make this relation a failure. Husbands being so busy in earning livelihood to deeply analyze the comments and information given to them about their life partners and thus an unknown aggression starts building and erupts as a volcano after few years ending in a final brawl to end a relation. The victims here again are the children who need parents jointly looking after them, caring for their needs and giving them undivided love and attention as its their basic right.

Life is tough and cruel, one wrong decision can make it not worth living as chances of re-doing things and getting back on track are rare so why waste it by loosing your cool for few minutes and later on regretting it through out your life. most importantly our society do take a sympathetic view and come for the help of the a family who has lost a mother or father in an untimely or sudden death but parents who are divorced are not looked upon with respect in the society.

Kids find it difficult to discuss their family structure in the school or with friends and with every passing day get in to more and more depression with every passing day which later on reflects a lot on over all out of their personalities and most of the times the impact on personality is negative.

Husband and wife if got any differences should discuss it between themselves as too many cooks always spoil things and you never know if you a want a sincere advise from some body, the advise from him will be a sincere one or not. Secondly it goes on in our society especially in house wives that they tend to discuss other people's family matters a lot and enjoy spoiling relations with one way or the other. At times separations are planned by the third parties through continuous negative feeding to husband and wife about each other and and thus resulting in forcing some body to reach a decision which is not appreciated at all in our religion.

Marriage is a relation which is based on mutual respect, love, understanding and above all unsurpassed sincerity. It demands sacrifices and compromises from both ends and the trouble starts when both parties are not willing to let go their false egos at all or only one party is compromising and suffering. A happy life constitutes of a very closely knitted family in which husband and wife equally contribute for the well being of kids and it can only happen if we learn to respect each other's circumstances, if a husband is handling too much stress at the job cause of various reasons and mother of all stresses is poor economic conditions due to global recession, so he should be tackled accordingly. Similarly if a women is contributing heavily by looking after house hold affairs and kids as well, she should be appreciated and given love and respect for that.

If the above two factors are kept in mind in husband and wife relation, the life could be great and no "third" party or "second" woman can every think of destroying a relationship. There should be no double standards in advising the good to kids as it happens often that parents treat their own daughter and their daughter in law differently in similar circumstances. Parents should teach their sons and daughters to how to be patient and considerate in resolving a family dispute and the less the people are involved apart from parents, the better out come would be as other people are mere spectators and are not stake holders at all and 90% of the time they would encourage the concerned people to end the relationship. Personal egos and arrogance comes in to play and the major stake holders the "Children" are ignored in reaching a decision but unfortunately it is the children who suffer more.

People having increased relationship problems should consult psychologists and psychiatrists for an independent third party advise before making any decision. There are people and organizations out there helping you to be together, one should always go for that option and there is no need to be ashamed of to share your worries. Depression, anger, hatred and many other states can be a state of a minor psychological disorder that can be treated through speech therapies, group discussions and through medication as well.

Life is a short lived phenomena and the best thing that happens to us is to find a love of our life and then growing old together looking after kids and family, one should not make it difficult for own and for especially for kids by parting ways cause we could not handle a particular tough situation in life in a correct manner and not only ruined our life but of those around us. We will be judged on how we carried out our responsibilities whether its family, Children, our job, our honesty or contribution for the well being of a society and our home land.

Life is a name of ups and downs and one often encounters tough circumstances especially in family life, the best way to handle them is with a cool mind and a broader vision cause like I said before people tend to put an end to a smaller problem with a decision that makes rest of their life a hell and spend their life in remorse and sorrow for the blunder they had made in the past through biased judgement, focused anger and to make one person suffer but in fact the divorce and separations let both families suffer and the children suffer a lot as no body can offer them love, care, attention and pure affection other than their own Mom n Dad.

This article is dedicated to those parents who have compromises in marriage for the sake of each other for their kids and it is a request for those whose relations are in troubled waters to think 1000 times before parting their ways and leave their children all alone on the road of long terms sufferings and problems. May Allah help all families to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

Some quotes as well.

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.
Lee Trevino

One of the biggest issues that we face is that we have people who have their own particular concerns, whether it's on abortion, birth control, divorce and remarriage, civil rights or social justice.
William P. Leahy

Peace, of course, is different from divorce; indeed, in essential respects, divorce is the opposite of peace.
Douglas Feith 

Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.
P. J. O'Rourke

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