Give Muhammad a Chance
April 24, 2014 By
At 21 I married a man five years older than me. The second time around, at 31, I married a man five years younger than me.*
Eight years into our marriage, it still sends little shock waves through people when I mention this. There are sometimes oooohs and aaahhhs, eyes get bigger and rounder, and I can almost see folks wanting to high five me and slap my husband on the back for biting the bullet and marrying an older, divorced, single mom. I have, no joke, been asked at least a dozen times how I managed to pull this off.
But a decade ago when he proposed to me, I didn’t bounce off the walls. I advised him to speak to his elders and family, which he did. I was mature enough to know that marrying into a South Asian family meant actually marrying the family, and without their blessings there would likely be no blessing in the marriage. So he dutifully approached his parents, armed with the story of Khadijah (ra) and Muhammad (saw)**, confident as an aalim and haafiz Quran himself. They took the news fairly well, asking for time to think. Istikharas were had all around and the green light came about a month later, at which point his mother called my mother.
My parents, who I assume had little hope that I’d remarry because they never brought it up, were amazed. Amazed that I found somebody on my own when plenty of my single friends couldn’t. Amazed at the courage of his family in the face of cultural stigmas. Amazed at this brave young man who, never married before himself, would be willing to take on a divorcee and responsibility for her child. All things that, by many measures, are probably greatly admirable.
Except at the time, and even now years later, I didn’t feel that way. While the messages came hard and fast that I had landed a major coup, I was thinking “no actually, the coup is his”. And for good reason.
Like most of us, I grew up having been taught a few major lessons from the story of Khadijah (ra) and Muhammad (saw). One, that Muslim women can independently and of their own choice propose marriage. Two, other than puberty as a starting point, there are no age barriers for Muslims marrying. Three, our beloved Prophet (saw) was man enough, confident enough, and humble enough to marry an older woman. We see these themes repeated as our poor scholars, even today, entreat the brothers to marry older women (not even women older than themselves, but women who happen to be in their 30’s instead of their 20’s).
There is no denying the framework of this narrative, encapsulated beautifully here in an excerpt taken from a piece titled “She’s Not Damaged Goods, We Have Damaged Standards”:
It is extraordinary, awe-instilling, incredible, beautiful, and bold that a man like Muhammad (saw) married Khadijah (ra). Except that it’s not. The story of their marriage, to me, is the story of a wealthy, noble, independent, admired, and apparently beautiful woman from an elite socio-economic class who gave a young man a chance. A young man who, at the time, had little to his name but his character and reputation. Granted he came from a respected tribe, but as an orphan his status in society was shaky. He lived under the protection of his grandfather and uncle. He was employed by Khadijah, and like any employee, he presumably answered to his boss. Whether 1400 years ago or today, any reasonable understanding of the situation would be that it was Khadijah who was in the position of being able to marry anyone of her choosing. At the time of the marriage, Khadijah (ra) was the prize, not Muhammad (saw).
I truly appreciate the attempts by our scholars and others to cultivate the will and interest of younger men in marrying older women, but I just want to push back a little on how this is being framed. In assuring them of the gallantry of such a decision, that there is no disgrace in it, that it’s a noble sacrifice, that it doesn’t make them less manly, we almost seem to be reinforcing all of their hesitations. This script needs some flipping.
From where I stand, and stood a decade ago, Muhammad*** didn’t give me a chance. I gave him a chance. He was still studying, I was a licensed attorney. He owned no property and had no wealth, but I knew my sustenance was written so didn’t pay attention to that. I knew how to run a household, balance a checkbook, cook for over a hundred people, write a resume, raise a child, network with new people, and essentially be an adult. He was on the verge of learning all of those things. Which he did. Initially I supported us financially, and after a while he took the reigns and has held them since. I introduced him to pad thai and sushi, foreign films, kathak dance, parenting, qawwali concerts, foreign policy, and a world of ideas that a 21 year old me could never have. He found me in my prime, while I found him in the beginnings of his maturity.****
When I imagine the scene in which our Prophet (saw) ran home in terror after Gabriel’s first visit (ra), and how Khadijah (ra) covered him, I see a certain dynamic. I see the dynamic of Khadijah being his rock and his stability, I feel his need for her, not her need for him. Of course, as we all know, the chance that she took on him was repaid to her in this world and the next in ways she could have never imagined. Not only was he a loving, kind, faithful husband in the first 15 years of their marriage, he remained so even after Prophethood. After her death, she remained in his heart. I’m sure it had to do not only with her being a wonderful wife, but the fact that she had married an orphan with nothing to his name, supported him and helped him grow, even though she could have married any man of her choice.
And so I say to my brothers, don’t despair. There is surely a Khadijah out there for you. Surely there are women who bring with them worlds of understanding, maturity, intelligence, who can advise you from a place of experience, who will be patient with you as you grow. It may seem like you have little to offer a woman who is established, but there are women who are willing to give a young man the support he needs to reach his potential.
And ladies, I ask you to please, don’t overlook the young men who may be struggling with studies, with finances, who may not have a house or even a car, who don’t necessarily have all the material trappings or the pedigree of a dream husband. Don’t let it feel beneath you to marry such a man, let your maturity guide you to what’s important in a human being – character, faith, kindness. The lesson of Khadijah (ra) for us should be this: give Muhammad a chance. You never know what he’ll become with you by his side.
*It was only as I was writing this that I realized both my husbands were 26 when I married them. I may need a therapist to figure that one out.
**Muslims say the words “radhiallahu anhuma” (may God be pleased with her) after mentioning the name of a pious predecessor and “sallahu alaihi wa’salam” (peace be upon him) after mentioning the name of the Prophet Muhammad. When writing, we often abbreviate it to “ra” and “saw”.
***My husband’s middle name is actually and in fact Muhammad. Win!
****This is not to suggest he didn’t bring his own set of gifts to the marriage. He did, and in fact he brought things that an older man could never have.
She’s Not Damaged Goods – We Have Damaged Standards
Male-bashing articles are notoriously en vogue, admittedly for valid reasons. From the outset, let me clarify this won't be one of them. The difficulties faced in joining a man to a woman with previous (or more) relationship experience isn't just a “Muslim male” problem, but a social phenomenon with dimensions that need to be picked apart carefully and understood so that practical solutions can be proposed on a case-by-case basis.
A more intellectually honest approach that doesn't hop on the bandwagon of populist chest-thumping would force us to realize that firstly, this isn't a male problem exclusively – it is often the case when Muslim men bring home the idea of marrying a woman with previous relationship experience, it's mom and her gaggle of auntie ji's who shut down the idea for cultural reasons. The same women who remained in dysfunctional marriages because society would call them out (as well as lack of support options post-divorce) are now among those causing the biggest ruckus, so very clearly this is beyond being just a male / female phenomenon, but a cultural phenomenon with dimensions coming from both scriptural interpretation as well as local customs which even the non-Muslims of those areas share (e.g. India).
Putting aside the cultural side of the discussion, there's also the difficulty of Muslim male emotional insecurity. However, this isn't just a “Muslim” male problem. It's a male problem period for both Muslims AND non-Muslims. Do a Google search on emotional insecurity and you'll find scores of sexually active non-Muslim men struggling with the idea that their partner has more relationship experience than they do. It's not a “Muslim” problem, it's a human psychology problem that requires a mentor-like approach which encourages personal growth, not yet another polarizing male-bashing article.
I've read some noble attempts at getting brothers to marry our sisters with previous relationships with anecdotes like, “The man married the woman pretending he couldn't see how disfigured she was due to his nobility of character,” which is great until you realize you've just explicitly said these women truly ARE damaged goods and it's our duty to marry them for the good of society. Which sister wants her marriage to be some well-intentioned brother's community service pity project? I may be wrong, but I think ideally, our sisters want a husband who loves them for who they are, respects their humanity, and doesn't consider them as some type of cultural, physical, or emotional liability which they take on “for the good of the team”.
My belief is we have to re-orient our cultural misgivings to the standard used by the Prophet (SAW) and the Companions and remove the cultural stigmas surrounding previously married sisters, but as with all types of ignorance, this is a type of daw'ah and daw'ah has to be done with wisdom, not anger, sarcasm, and pseudo-intellectual arrogance. Likewise, we have to invite our brothers to overcome their emotional insecurities with mercy and practical mentoring strategies based on solutions provided in our scriptural literature as well as what is beneficial in secular sources. The intent of this article is to touch on the former (the cultural side) while spending more time on the latter (the emotional side).
Many years ago I considered marrying a divorced practicing Muslim sister and found within myself unexpected insecurities. By the blessings of Allāh, I was able to overcome them quickly and move on to seriously considering the sister for marriage. What I offer is my own thought process in overcoming issues such as these, and I would recommend using this as a complementary resource to whatever you find beneficial from Muslim or secular relationship counselors / experts.
1. Follow The Standard of the Messenger (SAW)
When any issue comes before me, the overarching principle that defines the direction I want to move is the attempt to find what it is that will be pleasing to Allāh(SWT), and furthermore, what standards did He (SWT) convey to us either in the Qur'an directly or in the life of the Messenger (SAW)?
Among the evidences cited towards marrying only previously unmarried women is the question of the Prophet (SAW) to one Companion about why he did not marry a virgin woman, and the oft-quoted hadeeth regarding those who are martyred receiving 72 hoor al-'ayn as reward.
What I've seen missing in that discussion is the life choices of the Prophet (SAW), and an understanding of those ahadeeth in light of his life since he is the paragon of Islamic practice – as Aisha (ra) mentioned, he was the walking Qur'an. His first wife, Khadijah bint Khuwalid, was a widow with children from a previous marriage, older than him (some narrations say 40, others say 28), a wealthy career woman, and the initiator of the marriage proposal.
This is extraordinary when you consider that The Prophet (SAW) at the time was 25, part of the most prestigious clan (Banu Hashim), a very handsome man, and well-respected by the community at large (he was known as al-āmīn, the truthful). He could have married any woman, and had there been any disgrace in marrying Khadijah, his uncle would have advised against it. To my knowledge it was never reported that people looked down on the Prophet (SAW) or made fun of him after Prophethood for this. If we look at his life in Madīnah, except for Aisha all his wives had been previously married and had exited their marriages either due to their spouse's passing or divorce. You may note that he also recommended marrying women who were fertile, yet he also married a woman who was likely not so (his second wife Sauda).
My takeaway from this is that while there may be some benefits in finding a partner without prior relationship experience, it's most certainly not the only factor to look at, and the weight it's sometimes given is disproportionate relative to more important variables (eg. Islamic practice, taqwa, character and manners, how attractive the person is, chemistry, chastity, life ambitions, child-rearing philosophy, worldliness, etc). I think there's a need for us to re-calibrate our standards and realize that if Allāh (SWT) doesn't evaluate people by these standards, perhaps we ought to re-align ourselves accordingly.
If there was nothing wrong for the Prophet (SAW) in taking previously married wives, I don't see how it should be a problem for the rest of us. He's our example to follow, and we should proudly take from it.
2. Remove Your Doubts and Hers with istikhārah Prayer
Deciding on a partner for marriage is a daunting undertaking and there are far too many variables to consider, most of them too far out in the distant future for any but Allāh (SWT) to see, so the best plan is to pray istikhārah and take guidance fromAllāh (SWT) on the matter. The beautiful thing about istikhārah is if the marriage works out, then any lingering insecurities can be shut down with, “And this is whatAllāh ordained for me, and this is what is best for me.” If things don't work out, that's good too, disaster averted. Share your decision with her, and let her know it was based on istikhārah prayer.
Beyond this, when there are insecurities that come to mind, you can turn to Allāh(SWT) to keep your heart firm on the guidance He's given you and make du‘ā’ for help in overcoming any mental roadblocks attempting to bar your way to happiness with this soulmate He (SWT) has chosen for you.
3. Take Control of the Inner Dialogue
Every single day, you will meet people who are bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, wittier, and more skilled than you. If you allow your mind to dwell on your weaknesses vs their strengths, then you will always see yourself as the lesser person. What can be worse in this situation is dwelling on what is unknown, wondering if you are being compared unfavorably against someone else.
As I mentioned earlier, it's important you move forward only after feeling confident in your istikhārah and making du‘ā’ to Allāh to help with your heart. Additionally, you should seek refuge with Allāh from Shaytaan and his whispering. Beyond this you have to also tie your camel, and part of this is taking time alone to reflect on your fears and try to understand where they're coming from.
Upon reflection, you may find that your mind is asking itself the wrong questions and answering with worst case scenarios, such as “What if I'm not as good as her previous husband?” and answering with “She will think me a lesser man.”
Part of solving this problem is taking control of that inner dialogue by asking yourself much better questions. If you've prayed istikhārah and feel confident you've made the right decision, you might instead ask yourself, “How much barakah and love will Allāh (SWT) place between us because we are doing this to please Him?” and you may start to imagine a scenario in your mind where your wife is wildly in love with you and you with her. The more often you do this, you'll find your heart at ease, and the other question will become like a fly buzzing around your head, easily swatted away with du‘ā’ to Allāh (SWT) and the strong, positive emotions in your heart.
The ultimate confidence is knowing that Allāh (SWT) supports you, and when you know that, you cannot help but imagine the best is yet to come, both in this life and the next, no matter the difficulties you encounter along the way.
Conclusion
In the end, the marriage with the divorced sister didn't happen for me (she ended it) and we parted amicably for the sake of Allāh (ok, so the first few days I was really disappointed, but it passed :)) and although I didn't have to revisit the issue, I was thankful for the experience because I grew tremendously as a person and I gained an appreciation for the difficulty both women with previous relationship experience face in finding husbands and the difficulty some men may face in overcoming their own fears and insecurities.
If anyone were to ask me about a situation similar to mine, I'd tell them to not turn away the sister just because of their insecurities or cultural stigmas. If you find you have insecurities as I did, then take it as an opportunity for growth and work on overcoming them while seeking help from Allāh (SWT). It may be that her previous relationship and the lessons from it is the means Allāh (SWT) has chosen for both uniting you with her as well as teaching her, based on experiences from her previous relationship, to appreciate the good that you possess.
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